Fragile Bully

FRAGILE BULLY (noun): a person who repeatedly threatens and intimidates others—passively or aggressively—into feeding his or her grandiose self, while remaining convinced that he or she is the victim: narcissist.

Do you have the friend who knows what to say when you need a lift?
Do you have the intimate mirror who can help you see and tolerate the realities that make you cringe?
Do you have people who see your gifts when they are invisible to you?
Do you have people who are hard for you to understand and make you better for the challenge?
Have you consulted someone outside your world, like a therapist, to be the mirror others are unable to provide? Therapy is valuable to the extent that it goes beyond what you want to hear to what you need to hear.

For me it’s what I’m doing right now. The hard thing that allows me, once a quiet girl lost in a big family, to be part of the conversation.

the gift of simply getting to do what we enjoy doing

The problem for the fragile bully is that the high, the grandiose vision, is not treated as inspiration but as a source of daily sustenance. For the narcissist, the high becomes everything, and she becomes a bully willing to knock others down to get what she needs. Rather than becoming more, she becomes less—sharpening the skills that get her attention and neglecting the humanity that hones wisdom and connects her with others. Rather than walking on the ground, she envisions herself above all, and any reminder of the contrary is an offense, a source of injury requiring retaliation.

Healthy narcissism thrives when we use it more as a muse than a foundation—when we embrace the ordinary, and when we open ourselves to a variety of sources of input from others.

The insight came from psychotherapist Sheldon Kopp, via his book, If You Meet the Buddha on the Road, Kill Him

We use deprivation to play on guilt and force a response. This approach is characteristic of vulnerable narcissism, in which fragility justifies entitlement

The tricky fact of intimate partnerships is that we load onto them all of our unmet longings for acceptance and support. As children, we looked to our parents to tune into, know, and even help us know our needs and desires. This is appropriate, and skillful parental mirroring helps us firm up a sense of self and the capacity for independence. But even if we’ve had that kind of mirroring and support, the demands of adult relationships can make us feel like Narcissus and want to run in the other direction. The fact that we need to communicate what we want in these relationships comes as a huge disappointment to most of us. I often hear the protest: “But having to ask her spoils it.” I agree. The “it” that gets spoiled is the wish to be cared for without having to participate.

To say, “You are important to me,” and “What you said hurt,” or “I want something from you,” is to put yourself in a vulnerable position, and this is exactly what softens the recipient of such a message